Obedience

This blog is suffering.

It's the Woody of our Toy Story as Buzz Lightyear makes his debut. Sorry, our home has been all about Toy Story lately.

It's getting pushed to the side as we're getting more and more things that take priority over blog land.

Which isn't bad. The new things are good. Exciting. Life-changing.

But new things can cause suffering sometimes. And not just to blogs.

"For the moment, all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant..."  Heb. 12:11

I knew moving to Texas and getting to spend so much time with our families might make it harder on us to leave when the time comes. I wouldn't trade this time with them though. It's been perfect. Wonderful. Eden biting her cousins and all. It's been family. It's been real, at the risk of sounding very high-schoolish. And we're enjoying it so much.

Obedience, though. Blast that obedience.

The discipline of obedience is hard for my 3 year old to understand.

It's hard for me to understand.

And right now, obedience seems painful. Unpleasant. Heart wrenching. Like an ice-pick to the chest, painful.

After completing some of the last steps for being approved for moving overseas with our company, we've heard that our date for moving is earlier than we were anticipating.

Our hearts were preparing for a June departure. Good ole summery June. We'd see Audrey graduate first grade. We'd each get to celebrate one more birthday with family.

We've been bumped up to March. Suddenly March seems very evil, despite being my birth month. It's the dreaded, March. Glaring at me with red eyes.

I wish I could look you square in the eyes, errr computer screen, whatever... and tell you that I'm completely holy, completely on-board with this idea of moving overseas, and completely and utterly looking forward to absolutely every moment of it.

I'm none of those things.

I'm completely terrified. Completely apprehensive about moving overseas. And a blubbering snotty mess when I dwell on it too much. (thus the two empty kleenex boxes that Salem klonks around in)

My flesh and my heart are completely at war within me.

Obedience.

My flesh screams out within me that being near family, swimming at Jeri's, raising my children 15 miles from their grandparents, Easter egg hunts at Granny's, and playing with cousins during playdates, is what is NORMAL. It's what's expected.

Satan tries to tell me that my children are going to be weird, unsocial, and estranged without experiencing these things. Or that by moving overseas they'll be "losing" their grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles.

He lies. He's the Father of Lies. Remember?

But I have to remind myself of that everyday. He whispers those things in my ear. Or occasionally he uses people to voice those lies to me. He's cunning. And sometimes my heart wants to believe him.

But my heart knows Truth. I know Who is Truth. And I know Who longs to instill Truth in my body, mind, and soul.

Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees.... Heb. 12:12


I do have confidence in one thing. The Lord. When our lives get turned upside-down when we move, He remains the same. The food will change. The language will change. Our kids will change. We'll change. Even our marriage will make changes.


But He, our Rock, is the same. Thank goodness. I can really use some stability.


And despite being a Professional B-Teamer, I know without doubt that moving overseas, apprehension and all, is what our family is supposed to do.

Obedience.

I wish that being obedient didn't cause such pain. I wish that obedience was easy and that I didn't constantly feel that tug of longing to be near family and allowing my children to grow up riding horses at my mom and dad's.

I wish that writing all this didn't cause my keyboard to get wet from these blasted tears.

I wish it didn't cause our family pain.

I wish obedience came without suffering. I wish it always seemed pleasant.

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Heb. 12:11


I wish I wasn't so hard headed and could see through to the peaceful fruit that will come with the obedience of moving overseas.

I want to have faith that is strong enough to move mountains. But right now my faith seems barely enough to move our family.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Ps. 73:26


I repeat this verse over and over and over in my head throughout the day.

When Satan whispers his lies.

When I think about March.

When my heart fails.

I have to say it over and over and over because I'm stubborn like that. Hard-headed. Oh me of little faith.

I'm struggling with it all.

Just being open and honest here. And using my blog to vent it all.

So this blog my suffer for awhile. I may suffer through my blog. You may get tired of my whining. My complaining. My small faith.

Lord, I pray that your overwhelming peace will take root in my heart. That it will push out all the selfish desires to be "normal." To be near family.
Help me to have a joyful obedience. A trusting obedience that Your peaceful fruit of righteousness is enough...is better.